Wednesday, April 8, 2009

C Me Dance is my new favorite thing

Every once in a while, the internet will alert me to something so hilarious that I have no choice but to find out everything about it. This is one of those times. And now I will share it all with you.

It all started when I was alerted to the following movie trailer:



Predictably, I had to know more. First of all, well...what the f***? Who would do this? The answer was Uplifting Entertainment.

We strive daily to provide wholesome Christian and Family-Oriented entertainment. We create products which compete with the most popular TV programs, films, music, games and other forms of entertainment in the marketplace. We serve God and contribute to healthier, happier families. Each day Uplifting Entertainment delivers entertainment to the world that will inform with delight -- the way God intended it.

As you might imagine, I was really glad to hear that finally someone was producing Christian entertainment that can compete with the most popular entertainment out there. Finally someone's striking back against the other terrible entertainment out there, which is obviously made by Jews.

So, then, it seemed like the appropriate thing to do was to find out how well this movie actually competed. The first review I found was a rather obvious attempt to smear the film, written by (blatant Jew) Gary Goldstein of the LA Times. He calls the film "ham-fisted" and "rudimentarily written, acted, and directed," and basically suggests that there isn't much about the movie that would make it worth seeing. But then he leaves us with a diabolical cliff hanger:

For the record, the text message-like title actually refers to the license plate Sheri plans to get if she lives long enough to drive. Two guesses how that one turns out.

DAMMIT GOLDSTEIN! Now I have to know what happens! Bah!

But as bad as Goldstein's review was, it didn't prepare me for the next critical opinion -- this one from Ken Hanke of the Mountain Express. Hanke isn't clearly a Jew, but there are some immediate clues as to why he might be expected to come down harshly on the film, captured in this comment:

It is simply not possible to convey the sheer ineptitude of C Me Dance. Ironically, the look of the film often verges on porn (co-critic Justin Souther even remarked at one point, "This is just a pizza-delivery guy shy of a porn"), which I doubt was the intent.

A porn-lover, eh? Figures. So I take it with a grain of salt when Hanke (whose name sounds like what he probably masturbates into while watching his smut films) one-ups Goldstein with the following:

Even by the none-too-high standards of this kind of movie, C Me Dance is notable for its muddled plot, its abominable acting, its atrocious dialogue, its less-than-rudimentary-filmmaking technique, its threadbare production values and its smug self-righteousness.

Jeez; Goldstein said it was rudimentary, but less-than-rudimentary? That's cold. But what's hot is this observation:

That Jesus' hand is played by the same guy who is Satan's stunt double surely qualifies as blasphemy of some sort.

Nice catch, pervert.

Critic Brian Orndorf almost has something nicer to say, in the sense that he entertains the idea that people should see the movie. He writes:

The list of cinematic offenses is lengthy with "C Me Dance," which is so relentlessly dreadful it almost needs to be seen to be believed. However, that would require 85 minutes of your time that I cannot recommend be wasted on something as ludicrous and shamefully unprofessional as this movie.

At least he considers it! But where Orndorf sees flaws, I see unqualified virtues. For example:

...Sheri’s powers are laughable, managing to lower crime and rape statistics instantly with her message of Jesus, not to mention persuading Hollywood to stop releasing films with inappropriate values. Oh, and she’s able to halt the distribution of pornography. Damn you, Sheri!

Sounds like someone just wants to continue living a life filled with inappropriate films, porn, crime, and rape! I don't know about you, Orndorf, but around here we like it when those things go away because of Jesus powers.

But if the Jew and the two filth-peddlers weren't enough to convince you that the sinful, Jew-dominated media is out to get this move, Luke Thomson's review in LA Weekly might make up your mind for you. I've decided that it would be best to simply reproduce it in full below (LA Weekly people can ask me to take it down if they mind):

Faith-based films have made great strides in the past decade or so, from mainstream stars like Mel Gibson and Kirk Cameron giving passion projects a boost to evangelicals like Matthew Crouch becoming more savvy about the ins and outs of studio production. And yet, if any movie could undo all that progress in one fell swoop, it’s C Me Dance, an overwrought piece of (apparently) unintentional camp that, if it is remembered at all, will be only because some low-brow cinephile chooses to place it on a drunken rep-house double-bill with Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. Written, produced, directed by and starring “veteran” Greg Robbins (Pastor Greg), who has fewer movies on his IMDB profile than I do and whose filmmaking career seems to stretch back all of four years, C Me Dance plays like a fake Christian movie Troy McClure might end up starring in on an episode of The Simpsons, though it’s apparently for real. When high school ballerina Sheri (Christina DeMarco) is diagnosed with the world’s most flattering case of leukemia (no chemo or wasting away for this cancer girl!), her devastation quickly subsides as the power of the Lord descends, giving Sheri the ability to communicate telepathically, and in turn causing anybody she touches to hallucinate an image of the nails driven into Christs hands. This naturally angers Satan (Peter Kent), who appears as a paunchy guy in a trenchcoat, who sometimes forgets to put his monster-eye contacts in. But Sheri and her dad (Robbins) cleverly counter the Devil ... by evangelizing on TV! Had Trinity Broadcasting Network come up with this feature in 1980, it would have been easier to sympathize with its flaws. In 2009, its hilarious ineptitude makes it border on becoming a cult classic for the ages ... and we’re not talking religious cult.

I think it should be clear that we're not going to get an honest opinion from the critical community. So where can we go for a more truthful (that is, more positive) take? One word: Fandango. From user "myheaven06":

I saw this film this weekend, and was blown away. It has been such a long time since I walked out of a movie being moved that deeply.

From "Standupforyourbeliefs":

I seen this movie today and it is a Great Movie - obviously the people who do not like it probably do not know God or they are living in a vacuum and do not want to beleive what is going on around them. Most of you "so called critics" probably have not even seen the movie and it probably makes you feel important to attempt to drag someone/something down! It is time that the Christians of America stand up for their beleifs and stop letting everyone take away what we beleive...It is obvious that our Youth is in "serious" trouble and need help it is time that we all wake up and admit it!!!

"Sherrielynn1":

We just got back from watching C ME DANCE and then we googled the movie and found critics reviews. You people are HIGH!!! This movie was powerful and wonderful, my friends and I agree this was an amazing story and we never saw these actors before but they BLEW us away. The father and daughter relationship was very strong and Greg Robins is one of the best actors I have ever seen. He totally sucked us in and we are telling everyone we know to experience c me dance

You people that don't
get this movie need to get with GOD!

I could go on, but you get the point. This movie brings it hard, and critics need to get a life.

I leave you with this -- an alternate ending to the movie's trailer that seems to clearly call for a sequel:

3 comments:

Sarah said...

they're all aliens. they must be.

Anonymous said...

You do realize that those positive reviews on fandango were probably written by people involved with the movie right? They have used the same screennames on other sites trying to counter the negativity.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your brave defense of this life changing movie. You are obviously involved in Jews for Jesus.