lolzer

http://www.ehow.com/how_5148436_lose-armpit-fat-fast.html

I can see the future

Hear this, Nisse:



(To those not in the know, "the Log" is Kenny Loggins)

Images of gravely important philosophical research

See bottom for update

So I'm putting together a presentation for this seminar I'm attending this week. As some of you may know, I've decided to draw all of the images for the presentation in MS Paint. I figured it would be valuable to post the good ones here as well for your viewing pleasure.


















Update:

I determined that it would be appropriate for the muffin to really be pretending.



Also, I drew this:

Text message responses I have enjoyed

Me: "Marya! What kind of animal is a raccoon? Is it a weasel?"

Marya: "I dont think weasel is a kind of animal maybe its a rodent"

And no, I hadn't spoken to Marya in about a year.

I Vote for a New Poll Based on This.

56 worst/best analogies of high school students

June 19th, 2007 by admin

Apparently the washingtonpost held a contest in which high school teachers sent in the “worst” analogies they’d encountered in grading their students’ papers over the years. (I place “worst” in quotes because many of these actually strike me as quite witty). The top 25 of these have been circulating around the “Sandra Bullock” (”net”, get it?) recently, but I decided to post all 56 that I was able to find. Here they are, in their order of objective funniness (in my opinion):

1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
2. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
13. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
14. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
15. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
16. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
18. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
19. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
20. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
21. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
22. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
23. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it hadrusted shut.
24. He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
25. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
28. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
29. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
31. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
32. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
33. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
34. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
35. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
36. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
37. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
38. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
39. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
40. Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
41. They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
42. Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
43. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
44. He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
45. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
46. Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
47. The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
48. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
49. She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
50. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
51. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
52. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
53. You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
54. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
55. Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
56. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

Courtesy of http://www.losteyeball.com/index.php/2007/06/19/56-worstbest-analogies-of-high-school-students/


Just a note: I'm not sure about the story at the top. I think these might have been written expressedly for the contest, but I'm not sure about that either.

The most thorough demolition of a position that I have ever seen

As a philosophy student, I have been exposed to quite a wide range of critiques of other people's views. Some of these have been rather decisive. But never have I seen anything as comprehensive and fatal as the Encyclopedia Dramatica entry on "Otherkins" -- people who apparently believe themselves to be reincarnation of non-humans. Read it.

So This Guy

ate some acid and hid in a closet. His friends recorded his conversation with himself and animated it. Check it out:

My Dear Mimosas,

The Poll has been Re-opened.

In which Danny finally remembers the title of that book!

The Bears' Famous Invasion of Sicily!

(Posted here for safekeeping)

Count my vote!

I have been incredibly distracted by the awesomeness of the US Men's Soccer Team over their last two games, and I therefore missed this most recent (and most relevant) of polls. I must then call for a re-vote so that we may have a full and fair accounting of sentiments in this matter.

Don't be an Ayatollah. Gimme a another shot!

- Mir Houssain Mustravers

Last Meals...

I've decided that if I'm ever in a situation where I am to choose a last meal, I would like to be prepared. Because...well...how shitty would it be to make a poorly thought-out choice? It seems clear that a tasting menu would be in order, right? So here are some thoughts:

1) Belgian endive, arugula, Boston lettuce, candied walnut, sliced pear, and fried goat cheese salad with a balsamic vinaigrette.

2) Ossobucco. With toasted slices of freshly baked French bread spread with marrow roasted with salt and black pepper, sprinkled with lemon juice.

3) Grilled Kobe steak with portobello and foie gras.

4) Poblano pepper stuffed with chicken, black beans, diced tomato, onion, cilantro, fontina, and cheddar. With guacamole.

5) Saag paneer. With makki di roti.

6) Sea urchin roe, Alaskan pink shrimp, and fluke nigirizushi (separately, of course), eel and avocado makizushi with eel sauce, and seared toro with wasabi mayonnaise. And warm sake.

7) Some kind of desert...not sure exactly what.

8) A mint julep.

I think there's definitely room for improvement there, but I could die happy with that as my last meal. Okay, your turn!

Sarah, meet your neighbors to the North

Genius!

h/t to the other, more controversial Sara

...and then he found out it had silly effects

There is a very real chance that this will not get old. Ever.

In which Danny figures out how to use his laptop's camera!

I can see myself on it!!!

I shit you not.

Conversations with my father

*telephone rings; it's my dad*

Danny: "Hi, Dad. How's it going?"
Arye: "Nice, nice."

*pause*

D: "So what's up?"
A: "Nothing."

*pause*

D: "So...uh..."
A: "What?"
D: "Well did you want something?"
A: "What do you mean?"
D: "You called me! What did you want?"
A: "What did I want..."

*pause*

A: "I totally forgot."
D: "Well do you want to call me back when you figure it out?"
A: "Do I want to call you back when I figure it out..."

*pause*

A: "Oh! Uh..."

*pause*

A: "Did you see that there's an avocado on the counter?"
D: "Yea."
A: "Well you might want to eat it, because it will be bad."
D: "Okay."
A: "Bye, Danny; bye."
D: "Bye dad."

Three More Months Til I'm Home!

Happy Summer!

No words.

Just look. Particularly, "Authentic Pirate Hip Hop."

...in which Sarah retains her "Biggest Sap" title

It made my eyes prickle, if you can believe it.

I didn't think it would, but it did.



Sigh.

...in which Nisse makes her triumphant return to the blog.

I'm not really sure how I can better return but with this.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1053620172.html

Danny, you have achieved the rank of money belt in...

Things I want to hear from the designer of my car...

From Sebastian Blanco at AutoblogGreen:

Peter Arnell, the chief innovation officer at Peapod Mobility, took us on a quick descriptive tour of the Peapod and said that the design was influenced by three things. Ready for the list? The reflection in Buzz Aldrin's helmet when he stepped onto the moon, a turtle and Darth Vader. Yeah, that's what we thought, too.

I am in full agreement with Arnell about the necessity of a vehicle designed on the basis of those three elements, and applaud Peapod Mobility for having the courage to stand up for what's right and do the job themselves. Looking at the final product, though, I can't help but feel like the moon helmet reflection element and the Darth Vader element were a little too fully integrated into the turtle vision. It just looks so damn happy, sittin' there like a bump on a log collecting sunshine in anticipation of a nice refreshing swim.



For those who want less happy turtle and more Star Wars, it seems to me that the only choice is Pugeot's new Capsule concept:



Peugeot's design perfectly captures AT-ST, while also incorporating a hint of wasp. But the happy turtle is gone. And so I wonder: can't we have something in between? I'll let you know if I find it...

Hear this, cretins

Now go pray.

.....in which Sarah dares you not to laugh. Because she did....a lot.

This one was a laugh-out-loud-at-work kinda deal:





....and this one was an I-laughed-so-hard-I-almost-peed-my-pants-at-my-computer kinda deal.

Polar bears are NOT prey in Germany

Okay, some of you may remember a picture I posted of a polar bear being trapped viciously by a Korean. This may be backlash that we're seeing to that incident, or this may be an isolated attack. I'm not sure. I'm not a polar bearologist; I'm not any other kind of bearologist either. I'm just reporting the facts.

Fact #1:
A woman in Germany visited the Berlin Zoo. This isn't groundbreaking, but it's necessary to acknowledge that she was, in fact, at the zoo.

Fact #2:
The woman visited the polar bear cage at the Berlin Zoo. Yes, if I went to the Berlin Zoo, you might also try to find me at the polar bear cage. Again, it's important to establish our facts.

Fact #3:
Said woman has the innate ability to get over fences which separate humans and polar bears.

Fact #4:
Said woman actually utilized her innate ability at the Berlin Zoo. She jumped over the fence so she could get in the polar bear cage. Why? Maybe she wanted to hangout. Maybe she wanted a coke. Unfortunately, the bears were FRESH OUT OF COLA.

Fact #5:
The woman can swim. Take a look here as she swims around in the polar bears' little pond.

Fact #6:
The woman made eye contact with a polar bear in his/her territory. Yeah, nice job, lady. Know your role.

Fact #7:
The woman is not equipped with polar bear proof skin. That's right. She actually invaded Polar Bear Berlin Zoo Country (PBBZC) without any of the necessary equipment for a proper invasion. Well, PBBZC isn't gonna take any of your shit, Ms. Crazy.
Fact #8:
The woman was rescued after a few bites. Lucky for her, the PBBZC isn't a very efficient killing machine. Damn polar bears.

Everyone's a little on edge...

John recently posted a story about a possible zombie incident in New Orleans, and it seems like fear is slowly beginning to take hold. On Wednesday night, Woody Harrelson was involved in an altercation with a cameraman at a New York airport resulting from a case of mistaken identity. Harrelson explains:

I wrapped a movie called 'Zombieland,' in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie.

A quick search turned up a rather muddled video of the incident, obviously beginning after the "zombie identification" took place. It's not clear to me whether the cameraman drew Harrelson into the incident by groaning, walking stiffly, and feigning a hunger for human flesh. But judging by the fact that no one seemed to step in and protect the cameraman, I would venture to guess that everyone else thought he was a zombie too.



As a general zombie-related panic spreads through the population, I think it's only safe to say that we might end up seeing many more unfortunate incidents like this one. A potentially worrying possibility is that people will begin to use the "zombie defense" in situations where they really didn't think that their victim was a zombie, and just wanted to attack them for other reasons.

C Me Dance is my new favorite thing

Every once in a while, the internet will alert me to something so hilarious that I have no choice but to find out everything about it. This is one of those times. And now I will share it all with you.

It all started when I was alerted to the following movie trailer:



Predictably, I had to know more. First of all, well...what the f***? Who would do this? The answer was Uplifting Entertainment.

We strive daily to provide wholesome Christian and Family-Oriented entertainment. We create products which compete with the most popular TV programs, films, music, games and other forms of entertainment in the marketplace. We serve God and contribute to healthier, happier families. Each day Uplifting Entertainment delivers entertainment to the world that will inform with delight -- the way God intended it.

As you might imagine, I was really glad to hear that finally someone was producing Christian entertainment that can compete with the most popular entertainment out there. Finally someone's striking back against the other terrible entertainment out there, which is obviously made by Jews.

So, then, it seemed like the appropriate thing to do was to find out how well this movie actually competed. The first review I found was a rather obvious attempt to smear the film, written by (blatant Jew) Gary Goldstein of the LA Times. He calls the film "ham-fisted" and "rudimentarily written, acted, and directed," and basically suggests that there isn't much about the movie that would make it worth seeing. But then he leaves us with a diabolical cliff hanger:

For the record, the text message-like title actually refers to the license plate Sheri plans to get if she lives long enough to drive. Two guesses how that one turns out.

DAMMIT GOLDSTEIN! Now I have to know what happens! Bah!

But as bad as Goldstein's review was, it didn't prepare me for the next critical opinion -- this one from Ken Hanke of the Mountain Express. Hanke isn't clearly a Jew, but there are some immediate clues as to why he might be expected to come down harshly on the film, captured in this comment:

It is simply not possible to convey the sheer ineptitude of C Me Dance. Ironically, the look of the film often verges on porn (co-critic Justin Souther even remarked at one point, "This is just a pizza-delivery guy shy of a porn"), which I doubt was the intent.

A porn-lover, eh? Figures. So I take it with a grain of salt when Hanke (whose name sounds like what he probably masturbates into while watching his smut films) one-ups Goldstein with the following:

Even by the none-too-high standards of this kind of movie, C Me Dance is notable for its muddled plot, its abominable acting, its atrocious dialogue, its less-than-rudimentary-filmmaking technique, its threadbare production values and its smug self-righteousness.

Jeez; Goldstein said it was rudimentary, but less-than-rudimentary? That's cold. But what's hot is this observation:

That Jesus' hand is played by the same guy who is Satan's stunt double surely qualifies as blasphemy of some sort.

Nice catch, pervert.

Critic Brian Orndorf almost has something nicer to say, in the sense that he entertains the idea that people should see the movie. He writes:

The list of cinematic offenses is lengthy with "C Me Dance," which is so relentlessly dreadful it almost needs to be seen to be believed. However, that would require 85 minutes of your time that I cannot recommend be wasted on something as ludicrous and shamefully unprofessional as this movie.

At least he considers it! But where Orndorf sees flaws, I see unqualified virtues. For example:

...Sheri’s powers are laughable, managing to lower crime and rape statistics instantly with her message of Jesus, not to mention persuading Hollywood to stop releasing films with inappropriate values. Oh, and she’s able to halt the distribution of pornography. Damn you, Sheri!

Sounds like someone just wants to continue living a life filled with inappropriate films, porn, crime, and rape! I don't know about you, Orndorf, but around here we like it when those things go away because of Jesus powers.

But if the Jew and the two filth-peddlers weren't enough to convince you that the sinful, Jew-dominated media is out to get this move, Luke Thomson's review in LA Weekly might make up your mind for you. I've decided that it would be best to simply reproduce it in full below (LA Weekly people can ask me to take it down if they mind):

Faith-based films have made great strides in the past decade or so, from mainstream stars like Mel Gibson and Kirk Cameron giving passion projects a boost to evangelicals like Matthew Crouch becoming more savvy about the ins and outs of studio production. And yet, if any movie could undo all that progress in one fell swoop, it’s C Me Dance, an overwrought piece of (apparently) unintentional camp that, if it is remembered at all, will be only because some low-brow cinephile chooses to place it on a drunken rep-house double-bill with Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. Written, produced, directed by and starring “veteran” Greg Robbins (Pastor Greg), who has fewer movies on his IMDB profile than I do and whose filmmaking career seems to stretch back all of four years, C Me Dance plays like a fake Christian movie Troy McClure might end up starring in on an episode of The Simpsons, though it’s apparently for real. When high school ballerina Sheri (Christina DeMarco) is diagnosed with the world’s most flattering case of leukemia (no chemo or wasting away for this cancer girl!), her devastation quickly subsides as the power of the Lord descends, giving Sheri the ability to communicate telepathically, and in turn causing anybody she touches to hallucinate an image of the nails driven into Christs hands. This naturally angers Satan (Peter Kent), who appears as a paunchy guy in a trenchcoat, who sometimes forgets to put his monster-eye contacts in. But Sheri and her dad (Robbins) cleverly counter the Devil ... by evangelizing on TV! Had Trinity Broadcasting Network come up with this feature in 1980, it would have been easier to sympathize with its flaws. In 2009, its hilarious ineptitude makes it border on becoming a cult classic for the ages ... and we’re not talking religious cult.

I think it should be clear that we're not going to get an honest opinion from the critical community. So where can we go for a more truthful (that is, more positive) take? One word: Fandango. From user "myheaven06":

I saw this film this weekend, and was blown away. It has been such a long time since I walked out of a movie being moved that deeply.

From "Standupforyourbeliefs":

I seen this movie today and it is a Great Movie - obviously the people who do not like it probably do not know God or they are living in a vacuum and do not want to beleive what is going on around them. Most of you "so called critics" probably have not even seen the movie and it probably makes you feel important to attempt to drag someone/something down! It is time that the Christians of America stand up for their beleifs and stop letting everyone take away what we beleive...It is obvious that our Youth is in "serious" trouble and need help it is time that we all wake up and admit it!!!

"Sherrielynn1":

We just got back from watching C ME DANCE and then we googled the movie and found critics reviews. You people are HIGH!!! This movie was powerful and wonderful, my friends and I agree this was an amazing story and we never saw these actors before but they BLEW us away. The father and daughter relationship was very strong and Greg Robins is one of the best actors I have ever seen. He totally sucked us in and we are telling everyone we know to experience c me dance

You people that don't
get this movie need to get with GOD!

I could go on, but you get the point. This movie brings it hard, and critics need to get a life.

I leave you with this -- an alternate ending to the movie's trailer that seems to clearly call for a sequel:

Sorry, one more thing!

This is almost like the time I broke 3 glasses in one night.

Oh, to be an American

Terminology

The mouse-over says, "Also, is it just me or do Japan and New Zealand look suspiciously similar? Has anyone seen them at a party together?".



......good find, Alex-uh.

The zombie war has begun...

and its birthplace is NEW ORLEANS, USA:
Start stockpiling and start thinking about defensible positions close by. We'll need to avoid the cities, obviously. We first need to find a reasonable location, preferably on top of a hill. I would also recommend being within running distance of a river so we can have available evacuation should the need arise. We need munitions and medical supplies. For food, I would recommend something that has no expiration date and offers reasonable nutritional value. I might recommend Twinkies as a primary food source, in honor of the classic Simpsons episode. We may also want entertainment. We should grab some PS3s for rocking out. We can play Resident Evil 5 for practice in the thorough and effective elimination of zombies. On zombie-lite days (Yes, I'm developing a new dictionary for us to use which will incorporate new and necessary vocabulary), we can drink mimosas on the front lawn. Deal?

Danny, you have been deemed a

.......which makes you the bad-assest philosopher around. No need to thank me.



Yours,

The Ultimate Badass

...in which Danny visits the desert

So while Hogan has been softening his brain in front of the television, I've been gettin' some book knowledge instead.  May I introduce to you the most important treatise of our generation: Human Survival on a Plutionium-Contaminated Planet by Charles L. Hyder, PhD.

This is just another classic from the great folks that brought us Inconstant Bard: The Poetry of Rick Allen and the timely classic, Last of the Nice Girls: How a Nice Girl from the British Empire Ends Up a Witch in the New Mexico Desert.

I say "timely" classic because I just so happen to be in the desert of Tucson, Arizona as I type this.  I have not become a witch, thank goodness, and I have the author of that fine book to thank for that, no doubt.  Hogan may have puppets, but yodeling won't keep him from being burned at the stake with the rest of the sorceresses!

Speaking of religious indignation against sinners...remember Brother Jed from in front of the Humanities Building?  Y'know, the guy who stood at the beginning of State Street shouting out absurd moralistic screeds warning the student body about the dangers of cavorting with promiscuous women?   Flanked by the cronies with the giant signs explaining what sorts of people were destined to hell?

Well I always wondered what happened to those fine folks over the winter...and now I know.  It appears that they migrate!  Yes, it's true: the other day while I was strolling around campus here, I had the pleasure of sitting in on one of Brother Jed's excellent open-air lectures.  It was breathtaking.  I will never let those temptresses get ahold of me again!  I'm just overwhelmed by how lucky I am to have made it this far!

And by "this far," I of course mean "to the point of accepting my offer to the University of Arizona."  I know it isn't a big surprise to anyone, but today I officially signed my admission offer.  So now I'm a Wildcat!  I was hoping to leverage that new status to talk some serious crap about the NCAA tournament, but the reaming delivered to U of A earlier sort of deflates that idea.

I'll update soon with some highlights of the trip, but for now it shall suffice to say that Arizona is just about as awesome as Hogan is a weenie.  And I defy you to attempt to establish that what I mean is that Arizona is not awesome.

yodeling lessons

Dear everybody,

I think that this is a good time to break my silence by pronouncing the last post as 'not funny at all'.  And of course this is much, much funnier.

watch me! watch me!

enjoy,

Hogan

I bet he doesn't want to hear about anybody's girlfriend problems ever again

You just have to read this. I am sitting in my cubicle giggling maniacally.

What you've always needed!

Yes it does exist, and here is an excerpt:

18 Now, teh burth of teh Christ was liek dis: After Marry and Joseph waz all "We's gonna get marrieded, kthnx", but before dey could had hankiez pankiez Mary was all preggarz from Teh Ceiling Cat.19 Joseph was liek "I has virjn - NOOOO dey be stealin my virjn! Must hied hur".20 But when he was tihnkin, zomg, a BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat was liek, "Oh hai! Iz in ur dreemz, givin u messij. Don be scairdy cat. Taek Mary as ur wife - is virjn. But teh Forse is strong in tihs wun, lol! HovrCat is on hur, givn hur babby, srsly." So Joseph was liek " Oh yey. Iz gonna luv him and squeez him and call him George."21 But BirdCat was liek "No, you gonna call him bahbeh Jeebus, cso George bad name, srsly. cuz he save kittehs frum bein bad kittehs. Kthxbai."22 So all dis was all did cuz Ceiling Cat had sed it wud be. Him proffit was all liek:23 "Hay guise, luk! teh virjn is all preggers, and dey gonna call him A-manual", dat be joospeek for "Ceiling Cat wit us"24 Then Joseph walked up, dun wat teh BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat tolded him too, and was all liek "U wit me now lol" at Mary.25 And dey didnt has Hankiez Pankiez til affer dey gets a son and calleded him Jeebus. Kthnx.

Matthew 1:18-25 from the LOLcat Bible.

NOTICE

Thanks to http://www.davidshrigley.com
good stuff man.

True Fact

The correct job title for a person who sells fish and seafood is "Fishmonger." I just thought everyone should know.

9-1-1: "Ma'am, we are not going to go down there and enforce your western bacon cheeseburger."

BK is a heinous criminal organization.

Amazing. Simply amazing.

Smile With Your People

Here are two pictures of my brand-new, shiny red bike:


A little blurry, but oh well. Here's a close-up of the bell and the basket, because they are especially important:

That's right. The helmet matches the bike.



One last thing:

Just taste this cake.

Random thought

"Mood lighting" generally means dimming lights to make a room darker, but not so dark that you can't see the other person well. Why would this be associated with intimacy and romance? My first intuition is that it has to do with smoothing out imperfections in people's skin, masking flaws, etc. But it seems like if this were the point, then we would find even darker lighting conditions more romantic, where only the essential features of our partner would be visible. Here's my hypothesis: when people are attracted to other people, their pupils dilate. The same thing happens in low light, but at sufficiently low levels of light, this would be difficult to observe. By dimming the lights just enough, we effectively create an illusion of constant attraction for ourselves. Any scientists in the room can feel free to attempt to test this...

Has Anyone Seen This Man??

Male Caucasian
Age 22 (almost 23)
Height approx 1.8 m

Can be seen poking around National Parks, bars, and landscape architecture studios. Will very likely be enjoying himself, as he has a tendency to do that. DO NOT LET THIS PUT YOU OFF. Feel free to interrupt his good time and tell him people are wondering where the hell he is.

Thanks in advance for your help.

- The Mimosas

Strange?

This is the strangest video I've seen in some time. Poodles know best?

Best weekend ever! My climate change paper is being published!

I just got an e-mail letting me know that my paper is going to be published in The Independent Review (a peer reviewed journal)! One of my philosophy professors told me that he's never worked with an undergraduate who "has managed such a publication." So...YES!

And this, by the way, is on top of getting into pretty much the ideal grad school on Friday. Life is pretty good right now.

I am a fountain of manliness

Arizona. Done.

Of present things and future plans

It's been a while, so I thought I'd give you all a bit of an update on my doings.

I'm working a lot more than I ever have before. One of my bosses is leaving, and so, I'm taking over a lot her responsibilities. Something about actually being busy makes this feel all too permanent, and it has spurred me to think about what to do next.

So, I've decided that I'm going to take the GRE this summer/fall in preparation for applying to grad schools to study History. After forever of not knowing exactly what to do, I've decided simply to follow the path that is most interesting to me. I have no idea what I'll do with a Masters or Ph.D. in History, but that didn't stop me from jumping into a History major as an undergrad. Why should that stop me now? Madison is the #11 school for History graduate study in the country, but I don't want to go here. The weather here drains my soul. Southward I will go.

Until then, I am biding my time in Madison. I will be here for one more year, and I signed a lease on Monday to live with my friend Alex. I'm really excited for the place, location, and opportunity to have a roommate again.

I have found, in the past few months, that one of the very best things I have ever done with my time is volunteer. I spend time at the Dane County Humane Society as an adoption counselor. I help people find a pet that suits their family, and when it's not busy I get to play with animals. Not many other things could make me as happy as that.

I've also started playing the guitar, and I've surprised myself as to how well I can play sometimes. I'm definitely no phenom, and maybe some day I won't have to play softly so the neighbors can't hear me.

Other than that, I've been spending a lot of time at the gym, playing with my super-awesome kitty Steve, and watching as much Law & Order as I can handle. There's something about getting so much drama and resolution in only one hour that is completely satisfying.

I miss you all a ton, and I look forward to the next time we can all chill (in the desert?).

Top 5 Rolling Stones songs that people don't listen to enough

Consider this a public service announcement.

1) Salt of the Earth - Beggars Banquet (1968)

An anthem much in the style of The Band, basically making fun of working class people for being utterly powerless to change anything, and for being completely incomprehensible to the Stones.

2) Monkey Man - Let It Bleed (1969)

If the Red Hot Chili Peppers didn't listen to this song, it seems like they might have been able to avoid making everyone listen to Freaky Styley altogether. If they did, we can only be grateful that they took it to heart in the end. The slide guitar about 2/3 of the way through is super tight.

3) Street Fighting Man - Beggars Banquet (1968)

This song is not only amazing, but it was on their greatest hits CD, Hot Rocks. For some reason, though, I never hear anyone listening to it. Does everyone know this song? If not, then I just don't get it.

4) Sway - Sticky Fingers (1971)

This song is good for all the reasons that the Stones are good. I have no idea how this song is not popular, and Wild Horses is. The world is sometimes a cruel and arbitrary place.

5) Sing This All Together - Their Satanic Majesties Request (1967)

For some reason, I get the impression that indie hipsters haven't heard of this song. This is surprising, as it is not only right in the vein of some of the most paradigmatic indie music ever (i.e., Danielson), but also came way before a lot of the early heroes of the genre. This would suggest to me that they would be all over this shit. Go figure.

Also Ran:

Out Of Control - Bridges to Babylon (1997)

I can accept that people don't listen to this, since really, who listens to stuff that the Rolling Stones made after Tattoo You? That being said, this song is really good, somehow reminding me of Black Magic Woman while still being clearly a Stones song.

Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker) - Goats Head Soup (1973)

This song combines Rolling Stones with an absurd disco horn line and somehow emerges sounding good. For that alone it deserves mention.

Polar bears are prey

Ah, yes, another polar bear falls into a clever Korean-generated trap. Notice the furs, undoubtedly collected from some ancestor of this godforsaken soul, next to the Korean's leg.

This bear has a snowball's chance in hell of escaping this death bus with his life.

You're just mad cuz they're losing all their ice and stuff

The polar bear is obviously inferior to the Grizzly. No bear that can't hunt in globally warmed conditions deserves a vote in such a monumentally important poll.

Alas, the Grizzly will simply have to leave, grow a beard, gain some weight, and win an Oscar, Emmy, and Nobel.

"Peace, salmonheads" - Grizz

...in which things are animated.

That is quite amazing. I have watched it twice already...

It reminds me vaguely of this, I think only because they're both animated. But I find this amazing as well:

Muto

Yo check out what John found.

If you succeed in watching this video only once, I'll be amazed.

How can I make this case more convincingly?

Listen. Apparently you God damned people don't understand. So here we go again.

1) Kodiak bears are triumphant.



2) Panda bears are awesome.



3) Spectacled bears are a powerful contender.



4) Even polar bears are tight.



5) Grizzly bears, however, are soft. They are clearly inferior in every way.



That grizzlies are tied for the lead in this poll is an atrocity. You people are a shame.

The Vanishing Monks

I took this picture of abandoned novice's habits outside a temple in Chiang Mai, which is in the north-west of Thailand. Take a look at a draft post I've written (entitled "Make Life Art") about my time in the south of Thailand and let me know what you think. I would click on "preview" for optimal viewing pleasure.

Kodiak bears are clearly the best kind of bear

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "But Danny, you're being unreasonable. Clearly Kodiak bears are a subspecies of Brown Bear, which is listed as an option on the poll. Stop nitpicking." But nitpick I must! Grizzly bears are also brown bears, and they get their own category. If that's true, then why not their larger and obviously more baddass cousins, the Kodiaks? THERE IS NO REASON.

Further, nearly all of the coherent alternatives to voting for the Kodiak bear as the best bear are not available as options (though clearly they are all incorrect choices in light of the obvious superiority of the mighty Kodiak). The first contender is the venerable Spectacled Bear:



The exclusion of this South American rock star from the poll is a blatant travesty. But where at least one might claim ignorance of the Spectacled Bear's existence, the same cannot be maintained with regards to the beloved Panda:



In light of these egregious omissions, and in light of the inclusion of the obviously inferior Black Bear (as well as the wholly unnecessary inclusion of the Brown Bear, whose best subspecies are undoubtedly the Grizzly and Kodiak), I am forced to declare this latest poll a sham. I can only conclude that it was designed to promote the Polar and Grizzly bears, which are the only legitimate contenders on that list, as they would likely fail to garner top votes in a fair poll:

A) Kodiak Bear
B) Spectacled Bear
C) Panda Bear
D) Polar Bear
E) Grizzly Bear

BATS AREN'T BUGS!!!

Know what I hate? When you try to search for a genius Calvin and Hobbes cartoon and it's not immediately available in one place. Remedied: