So I finally got myself a car, after an entire fucking month of trying. I ended up paying like $6,500 for a maroon-ish 2004 Suzuki Verona, which is a car that would never have occurred to me as a realistic option, but which was worth significantly more than $6,500. It has an almost certainly gas-guzzling V6 engine and an automatic transmission, both of which are negatives. But it's a car, and I can stop thinking about it! So hooray!!
I just figured I should share. I'll leave you with this: